Am i losing the touch?

 

I used to love this city, love this heat in the air, love peace on a bus ride...

 

These days, I just can't stand a single encounter with the reality of the streets, a mere confrontation will push me off the edge and snap on the nearest person. 

 

Am i losing the touch?

   

A Note on my diving trips

 

Maybe it's the atmospheric pressure that weights me down all the time in the city, constantly bombarded by the influx of information, and the gloomy hue of the buildings... The city becomes increasingly less colourful, less appealing than it used to be.

 

The openness of the sea was entirely another world. There was only peace, and the breathing of yourself, it's almost like meditation, like they will always say, hear your breathing, feel your inner peace. And you have both underwater, where everything remains stagnant for ages, all creatures move gracefully at their own pace, in their own formation. 

 

It's a happy place in the vast blueness. Nemo is such a cheerful looking fish, you won't want to miss the chance to dance a little dance with it with your fingers... It's filled with colour, as you are floating adrift in water, all the worries just went away... The whole world above with its weighing pressure goes away... 

 

Lightness, it's what i need the most...  

it's a name yy gave to sea cucumbers, i think it's really appropriate.. so thereafter, i address anything longish, uglish as Bian Bian Yu...

These days a lot of things of mine have a name with double character...

DouDou, Ruirui, bian bian yu, guigui (turtle seen at diving)...

 

Markably, decreased verbal expression and possibly IQ...

 

et nope, I'm not working for Citi..;)

 

lately feel life is losing control, there are so much to do and yet i'm so lazy.

 

I need to take control of my life...

I need to get started on my projects,

get assignments done

get some payments from the equally lazy brokers,

 

and get a hair cut,

a manicure

and some new clothes...

Sloppy is not an excuse...

 

I need to start getting those things done!

风水问题，气不过，不过想想自己还是很幸运的。

Just had a chat with an old friend...

 

I always have so many plans, but never know where to start. So Put It Down On The Calendar, and it will be done.

 

So many places that i want to be, as a start, i marked two holidays..

 

this weekend at tioman for diving... (tmr, i'm going to see a chinese doctor, have to make my ankle well...)

 

Dec to Cambodia... talked about it for such a long time (must be the effect of the small lobsters at the beach, too mcuh attraction, more than Ank Wat), finaly we've have put it down on the calendar... thanks to the person who made it possible... and for agreeing to take a huge detour just for the petit lobsters... (we aren't very smart ppl, really...)

 

Actually many thanks go to the one who made both trips possible at all, and putting that lobster image in my head... again, i'm such an impressionable person, lobster has much stronger calling than stone temples...   

 

So if anyone asks, i'll say, oh i'm going for the red lobsters by the beach...

 

Yah, the lobster

 

(Actually, i've a huge doubt on if those are really lobsters... ) Doesn't matter, i'm going to Cambodia... for the lobsters...

 It has to be the FengShui of this new appartment.

上周五破了像，弄花了我的脸，不说。这周末要去diving来的，昨天却歪了脚！

一定是风水不好。。。

明天，我也要学个老朋友BLOG上将的，去染红指甲，驱驱邪。。。

气死

i love my job, i actually do...

 

Lightness, c'est ce que je veux... c'est dont j'ai besoin maintenant, comme toujours...

 

lightness, in appreciation of the great Milan Kundera

 

and Monsieur, Philip... Je suis comme je vis, je vis comme je suis, je fait tout ce que je veux

 

we all deserve a second chance, to make it right... cos we are mere humans, and human makes mistakes, for all sorts of reasons, we do...

 

so we all deserve a second chance, for no one should be punished for a mistake for so long so hard...

 

all you have to do is survive... then try to have a little bit of faith, if not, find someone who can tell you to... and if do find such a person, you should know that you aren't the most unlucky one, cos you still have that person...

 

sorry blabbering.. yet again..

we are all cheap labours... a recent disillusionment...

 

after years and years of what they call education, essentially we are still just cheap labours, fundamentally not much difference from those orphan kids in vietnum working their fingers bleeding sewing together your Nike shoes... we work, in the danger of exploding our head and splashing our brain matter over all the computer screen, just like them... 

 

so we are just cheap labours... this is singapore... 

i think i'm late, yah, i'm going to be late for class, still printing notes...

 

but i did something, that i would never do in the past, i pinned it on the wall... yah, no kidding i did... my failed test paper...

 

not so much to motivate myself as to remind myself... to remind myself of what i can do and what i can't, and more importantly knowing and accepting the difference between them... and also to laugh about it with friends, if not as much as the infamous 'yesterday 的 strike price', but still it's up for a good laugh...

 

it's going to be a long race, we can't win every one of them, when it finally ends we would just be happy that we made it to the end...

 

so yah, i'm pinning it up on the wall...

 

 

 

 

yah, it's for now officially proven that i can't do it... ppl say, you should never judge yourself for you never know your limit, but once you prophathize your failure, its official...

 

as for now, i still can't quite do it...

 

there are those who are just smart, it's all easy for them... ppl say it doesn't matter, what you learn in school, you never get to use it anyway, it's just a paper... it's never easy for me, i'm not smart i know, but at least for now, i want to try, i just wish i know what i can do that counts, cos apparently what i do is never good enough...

 

i wish i'm rich, then i can always get that pair of shoes that i like, or an airticket somewhere i can be less aware of the fact that i'm this stupid...

 

i wish i'm pretty, that makes even learning to read seem redundant, all you have to do everyday is just to be pretty... some rich or smart guy will just want to see you pretty( haveing said that, i do feel lucky that God didn't make me a guy)...

 

i wish i am strong, that i could be firm in the belief that it's not how fast you get there, but knowing with principles you will get there... but i'm not... i panicked...

 

i'm none of those... i know that i always rank the third, God is always number 1, others number 2, that's a talent rite? i think it is...

 

i've none of those great gifts from the beyond, on certain level i'm Bridget jones, haha... nah, my boyfriend isn't that cute, but i'll survive, i will somehow... and all you have to do is to survive...

 

i think i just had a panick attack, right before my test...

 

i tried, i try to everything, if not to do it rite, at least to do it...

 

i didn't choose this path, i don't like it, i dun have the qualities to even be on this path, but somehow somehow God put me here, to do what i don't like and what i dun understand, most importantly what i can't do... He has a reason, i've faith, to show me something... so far, what i learnt, is that i really can't do this...

 

i tried, by my limited means... there are always ppl who will understand, who will do it rite, it's just not me... so what i'm doing here, every single day of my life, is just to do a little bit more, if i can't understand, at least read it all, it's my commitment, i'm just here trying to survive...

 

and all you ever have to do it jus tto survive... just to survive...

my neighbour has been playing the same song over and over again, the same song... LOUD!

 

in such a night, i feel i'm so going to lose it, after my irritating tests...

 

i've knocked on her door once, knocked the wall once, which she knocked back! i try not to use harsh words on her, but it is just so irritating...

i had a dream last night, i was back in Paris... waking up incredably early before the sun rises to visit notre dame, the dream was so real, i could hear what the tourists were talking about, it was so real, the ruins of the church in the alley next to Shakespears and Co... it was just so real, i was delighted like i was really back to the city of romance... then everything just went blurry...

 

it never ends, but i need to survive this... it will get better... just need to survive

funny thing today i met a friend of my ex in class, we were in the same group for practical... funny thing it took me awhile t recognise him... funny thing when that person together with all the memories moved to the backroom of your head, u know u've truely moved on... all you ever need is time... you might not be entirely the same, cos that episode of your life took away something, but all you have to do is just to survive... then everything will be fine... you just need to survive... survive...

又被催稿了, sorry for not updating and disappearing for the past whole month... a week in Phuket, too much sun, too much fun, and too much tan, u guys missed seeing me 'dark like never seen before' quoting from huanzi... and three weeks of too much work, 6 papers by the time that i finished my 5th, i've really not much mood left, so here updating... photos will be up soon, provided my photographer pass them to me anytime soon before our next holiday...

 

上帝没有给你想要的，因为他会给你更好的。hope it's of much help to many of my dear friends... funny, many times when i said those things i was probably in the same state of helplessness... so its not about what one really says in hope to comfort or assure, its about reaffirming your own belief... those who are listening most probably don't believe in it at first, but i've the faith that one morning, they will find it inevitably true... it just takes time to sink in...

 

so for those who are seeking, including myself... remember i've a teacher in JC, who once said, people will all get where they want to be, some may choose certain path, some may be forced onto a detour, but they all get there somehow... yah, we will all get there..

 

------------------------------------

ps. sorry guys, i apologise for my uninspired piece, i promise to fork out something better next time, its just that too many tests i feellike its all my life... too stressed lately... but i hope it'll b of help to u all...

i worship the result, always the process itself is a torture, i always want to see, want to know the result before putting in the effort. always hope to just get something perfectly fitting, the process of shaping, the process of waiting, the process of putting in so much and not reaping any result is just too painful...

 

but i'm learning now... be content with a simple life without result... maybe this is what they really call committment, do what one has to do, hoping one day when you wake up God has answered, not to your prayer, but your undying committment...

 

leaving paris, as hard as it could ever get, i think we all left with some new perspectives... i've found, in my city of light, that something to pull me back to the real life, to be serious about the future, life and those around me...

 

they say it's a city of magic, for the poor, the rich, and the wicked, and now i'm convinced it is, more than ever...

did it really snow in paris? suddenly, this becomes a major discussion on some of our msn names.

 

it's not about météo, really, it's more than that...

 

if you care about the snow, you would know... chances are you still keep your watch 7 hours behind, saying fromage than cheese, or staring at a photo book of the city at Borders...

 

if you don't, just take it we love snow...

i'm always horribly terrified by anything real, anything touchable at all...

 

been back for a week, still stubbon in my own way, living in an illusion that i'm somewhere else, far far away. insisting in having the same brand of cheese and jam for breakfast, keeping coins that i can't even spend in my wallet, turning radio on foreign channel in the shower just to keep in touch with the language...

 

like any of these could let me stay with my city of light a while longer...

 

still in denial, refuse to get a new phone line, like being connected to the real world could unroot my whole sanity...

 

i think i'm terrified really... i'm sorry if i'm no where to be found online, on phone or by mail... for now, i just want t live in refusal, in denial, in anyway that i could just somehow b with paris awhile longer, even if its just a breath of it...